Fascinating Robocop facts

1. The original name for the protagonist (Before they settled on Alex Murphy) was ‘Nick Nolte’. Ironically Nick Nolte himself auditioned for the role but after using the tinfoil from his sandwich as a makeshift robot ‘hat’ it was decided that he wouldn’t make the cut. Director Michael Winner also claimed Nolte was “A giant drunken idiot.”

 

1. Remember the scene where Alex Murphy was shot to pieces by the Bodiker Gang? Well fear not – real as it may have looked they were not really shooting Peter Weller, it was a camera trick where they superimposed Peter Weller’s head over a homeless man’s who they put in a police uniform for the scene.

 

1. In one early scene of the movie the actors playing the Bodiker Gang were told to use live rounds in their guns.

 

1. A homeless man went missing during the filming of ‘Robocop’.

 

1. The Actor who plays Clarence Bodiker’s went through 8 pairs of round glasses during filming and 5 pairs of underpants.

 

1. The artist formerly known as Prince had a hit with ‘Purple Rain’ – Peter Weller’s favourite song on his IPod!

 

1. Director Michael Winner originally misread the script and early filming had Robocop eating live babies for sustenance.

 

1. Peter Weller’s handlebar moustache was digitally removed from the final edit as test audiences thought it made Robocop look like too much of a bully.

 

1. Peter Weller’s cowboy hat was digitally removed from the final edit as test audiences thought it made Robocop look like too much of a cowboy.

 

1.  The actress who played Lewis asked for her sex scene with Robocop to be removed as the names he was calling her were “too degrading for screen”.

Only Fools and a Horse

“Stick a donkey in me pocket, we’ll take the goods out from the boot!”

Contrary to popular belief Only Fools and Horses was NOT set in the future and about post apocalyptic warriors committing crimes that they hadn’t committed in the past. It was actually about a cheeky Cockney chap with his cheeky Cockney brother and cheeky Cockney uncle getting up to no good and dealing the wheeling. The main characters were Delman Trotter, Rodders Trotter and Uncle Beard (dead) with his catchphrase “During the plague.”, who all lived in a block of flats known as ‘Nelson Mandleson House’ in Chelsea.

Every episode we’d see Delman getting himself and the other lads into all kinds of scrapes with hilarious results! Everybody remembers the scene, which is voted as the funniest thing ever filmed: when Delman says “Play it cool, Pistol, play it cool” but then slips and bangs his forehead off the bar, concussing him! Or when the chandelier they stole from a mansion fell out of the back of their van and crushed a valuable butterfly! Or when Rodders is frightened of Delman’s baby because his name is Lucifer! So many classic episodes to choose from. Other favourites are when Uncle Beard gets stabbed and is afraid to leave the house, and also there was the time they dressed up as Superman and ran across London to beat up Cassandra’s parents.

However, although we had the three main characters to keep us entertained we also had an amazing cast supporting them: We had Pistol who thought that Rodders’ actual name was Paul when really Rodders’ real name is RODDERS! Boysy was the tasche-faced miserable car salesman (played by Lesley Grantham) who’s wife Marjory has huge breasts and really hates Delman, which is ever perplexing to our Boysy! We also had Rodders’ best mate Mickey Ratface who wore a suit, and who doesn’t remember Mike the barman and his immortal catchphrase “FUCK OFF!”.   

In the final episodes the boys won the lottery and realised that their life of dealing the wheeling has been a waste of time as it got them nowhere so Delman convinces Rodders and Uncle Beard to take cyanide pills so they can all die together, but Delman’s was a Tic-Tac and as they die he tells them that he’s taking the money and moving to Barbados. The final scene is of Rodders and Uncle Beard convulsing on the floor as Delman leaves the flat shouting “CUSHTY!”

Fin.

 

A long, long time ago… In a galaxy far, far into the future…

(Cue Indiana Jones Theme)

Star Wars is a set of movies chronicling the life and times of the late great Darts Vader who wore a black cloak and helmet to hide his hideous Klingon face and had a deep ducks voice. He was known throughout the galaxy as the bane of all the Star Wars races including Wookies, Jabberwockies, Romulans and C3P0’s.

Our tale begins with “The Phantom of the Menace 1” and begins with a young Darts Vader before he became the REAL Darts Vader, in a time when he was known simply as “The Young Anakin Skyworka” – a lonely child on a mission; wondering the desolate sands of Tatooine, searching for his father (who was a more powerful version of himself) and breaking more rules than there were made. Suddenly while on a mission for R2D2 to steal a shipment space dollars from a Bubba-Feltch, a land speeder pulls up nearby and out jumps young apprentice Obi One Key Nobi (played by Ewan McGregor) and his master Qui-Ong Jinn (played by Leonard Nimoy). These two were part of a race of space ninjas known as ‘Jedis’ and they gathered their powers through braided hair and a mystical force known only to Jedis as ‘The Force’. Jedi’s were particularly recognisable for their cunning mental agility, their mastery over a futuristic space weapon known as ‘Laser Blades’ and their leader ‘Yoda the Hut’.

The dynamic duo of McGregor and Nimoy snatched the young Anakin and took him to their lair where they explained to him that they have travelled to the past from the future on the fantastic lightship Enterprise to tell Anakin who he was to become in the future: DARTS VADER, A more powerful version of his father, master of the Vulcan death grip, Sultan of the Klingon empire and ruler of all Tatooine. Young Anakin saw that the force was strong in these ones and agreed that he should indeed grant them his time, so they might train him with their wise ways and long hair.

As they flew around in their space car they came across a couple of shady bounty hunters known as Han Solo and his sidekick Chabbak. Han was known for his dashing good looks, his sharp blades and his even sharper wit (and waste coat) and Chabbak was his pet Wookie (a kind of hairy version of Bigfoot). Han claimed he could understand the Wookie’s language but 25 years later (in a secret interview), Harrison Ford revealed that he was merely PRETENDING to understand the animal throughout the filming process AND that Chabbak was really an out of work basketball player in a dog-suit.  In any case, the bounty-hunting duo decided to help Nimoy, McGregor and Anakin rescue Princess Layer, from the evil Darts Vader who was an older Anakin from the future and a very much more powerful version of his younger self, with the ability to perform the famous and dangerous Vulcan Death Grip AND the ability to have electricity all coming out the end of his fingers as he was planning to sell her to Jabbady Huck. If you haven’t worked out why Princess Layer needs rescuing from Jabbady, then you probably should watch “The Phantom of the Menace 1” as it explains the story in detail. After The Phantom of the Menace 1 you had a movie called “Return of the Clones” but as nobody went to see that one it has been internationally recognised as the omitted negative version of the one released that has not been seen and shall not as it is inferior to it’s superior follow-up – “Sith’s Revenge” So this is where we will continue the epic that is SART WRAS!

Anakin has now grown up and is starting to feel the pangs of his future self (Darts Vader) within his heart so has to fight the dark energy’s that are attempting to consume his lightside “The Force”. These dark energies were sent to him from the great Emperor Palpatate, or as he would simply be known later on in the series: “EMPEROR PALPETATE!”…

Obi Wan Key Nobi challenged young Anakin to the only type of combat one with a dark heart such as his would understand: a Klingon Honour Battle – to finally rid the world of Anakin’s future self and release the Jabberwockies from their eternal struggle under Vader’s iron fist. Vader denies Obi his battle and instead goes on a hunting trip with Khaaaan to capture “See Three Pea Oh” and “Are Too Dea Two” (Also known as See3Peeyo and Are2Deatoo, or as they were, are and always will be known collectively: ‘The gold one and the purple/grey little one’). This displeases the federation and they send their best captain to destroy the still unfinished Deathstar before it can be used to harness Romulan energies and tear a fabric in TimeSpace. The captain in question was known simply as: The Honourable James T. Shatner, whose ship had burnt up on entry to Tatooine and he was replaced by one known simply as: The Formidable Captain John Lewk Piccard whose ship burnt up on entry to Tatooine and he was replaced by Obi Wan Key Nobi and Nimoy, who instead of burning up on ENTRY to Tatooine, decided to leave Tatooine in pursuit of Anakin and Khaaan.

Fleeing from the water planet Tatooine, Khaaan and Anakin (Bare in mind that Anakin is still pre-Darts Vader – I cannot stress enough how vital it is for people to know their Star Wars ‘mythology’) travelled to the Land-Of-Robots (Roboland) where they hunted the lovable, but bumbling ‘See3Peeyo’ and the moody yet charming ‘Are2Deatoo’. In an amazing twist of fate however, the robot pals at this point were in the slimy clutches of the dreaded ‘Jabbady Huck’ (a sort of giant beetroot-man or something) in his sky-lair where they dwelled in a prison cell with Han Solo and Chabbak who also got caught after Han fell into some futuristic space cement. Jabbady also has as his personal concubine ‘The Delightful Princess Layer’ or as she later became known: ‘Layer, The Delightful Princess Of Hearts”.

Anakin and Khaaan bartered with Jabbady to sell them his human loot but Jabbady drives a hard bargain and instead opted to throw Anakin in a dungeon to face his one TRUE childhood nightmare – the giant Fraggle beast. Anakin, however, being a master of the secret Jedi mind trick, used his powers to try to convince the Fraggle that it should put a bone through its own head. It obliged and Anakin was free to escape. Once out it was down to a showdown between Anakin and Jabbady. They both fought hard and long for many hours, but because Jabbady had no legs and very small arms he lost the fight in seconds and was at the mercy of The Delightful Princess Layer who, screaming in a combination of terror, relief and terror with relieved tones used her concubine chains to choke Jabbady’s beetroot body to death. That was the end of Jabbady Huck… Or was it?

So they all managed to escape the sky-lair and travel from Roboland and towards the forest planet of Vulcan, still being chased by Khaaan and Anakin where the final chapter of the saga would take place, in STAR WARS: “The return of the Vader”.

And so… The final chapter begins… “RETURN OF THE VADER”

Ewoks, a sort of human/mouse crossbreed, were the stars of the show in ‘Return of the Vader’. Their lovable and mischievous antics kept Star Wars fans (or Trekkies as they’re known by Star Wars fans) glued to the screen for weeks in fits of uncontrollable laughter. But they weren’t the star of the show. The Ewoks were.

Princess ‘sugerlips’ Layer, Obi, Nimoy, Are2, See3, Han and his hairy sidekick Chabbak finally made it back to the forest city on Vulcan where they were looked after by their Ewok slaves, until Anakin finally caught up with them to exact his diabolical revenge on Obi for a crime he didn’t commit. Anakin send wave after wave of ED209s onto the Ewok camp, but Ewoks are, were and always will be impervious to metal. This meant the Ewoks won the war and finally Obi and Anakin can have their final battle on the fire planet of Tatooine. Leonard Nimoy died of a rare gum disease caused by having shiny-flat-bowl-hair and a cat’s face.

They both fought hard but Obi fought harder and shoved Anakin in a black-robot-suit machine where he had his Klingon face covered with a black helmet. He was now no longer Anakin; he was now his future self that his father never warned him about because his father wasn’t his own future self, a less powerful version of Anakin and twice as confusing.

He was now Darts Vader – Scourge of Tatooine and murderer of Captain Riker in the holodeck…

Curse you Lord Vader… Curse you all to hell!

Fin.

The Passion of the Jesus

Jesus Christ was born at the beginning of time and dates, in Nazareth or Bethlehem or somewhere, to his mother Mary Madeleine and his stepfather the Baron Joseppi. He was visited by three wise men that were on the run from the law who found jesus by following a magical light in the sky and brought him Gold, Frankincense and Merd. The reason these enlightened fellows wanted to see this particular baby is because they knew an ultra important secret about this him – that Jesus Christ was the son of Yahweh himself, and heir to his mighty God-throne on the planet Jupiter!

Meanwhile however, in his secret palace lair, the manipulative Lord Herrod heard about this so called “King of the Juice” and decided that he wanted a piece of the action – for it is said that when you decapitate a highlander you will receive all of their energy and become the new son of God. Herrod had his men round up all the babies within Bethlehem or Nazareth, but as Herrod started to put on his baby stamping boots one of his guards told him that the Jesus family were on the run and had escaped his clutches! In a fit of rage Herrod scrunched his cup up, looked up into the night sky and shouted the word “No” for a long time.

Many years had passed and the young Jesus was living in Nazareth or Bethlehem or somewhere with his mother Mary and his evil stepfather, the Baron Joseppi. Mary noticed that her son Jesus Christ was particularly intelligent and so would send him to the temple to speak to te scribes and entertain them with his parables. He told them on one sunny afternoon “As the berry on the bush falls, so should a mother always clean a sons bowls before he eats and clean his Baron fathers moustache, I tell you this like a chicken to a fox, say this in memory of the beetle cheese.” They heard this and understood that these were majestic and powerful words of young Jesus that resonated so strongly with the scribes that they sicked all over eachother. And sicked and sicked and sicked and sicked because they knew that this truly was the son of the most powerful god of all: God.

As the young Jesus grew up his father the evil Baron taught Jesus how to be a carpenter, which annoyed the king of kings as he was more interested in impressing scribes, growing luxurious hair and working on his muscles. But the Baron insisted he better his woodwork skills and become a lowly carpenter shepherd, he told him that this was the best way for people to see that he was a man of the people but it was a lie because the real reason was because Baron Joseppi was secretly jealous of his stepson’s rippling god-abs.

Jesus Christ  did some other things, went to other places and was then crucified. You can still visit Jesus Christ’s grave to read his profound final words: ‘If you’re going to be born with a mask for a face, it’s best not to also have ginger hair that is shoulder-length’

Fin

Bram Stoker’s Frankingstein!

PART ONE:

Genesis (not the band)

Dr Victor Von Frankingstein MD was a brilliant doctor. In fact I would say most people would have said that he was extra-super brilliant. But he had a terrible secret that he held within his fleshy, sinewy heart – That he craved a pet person to have in his castle and prove to his peers within the scientific community that it is indeed possible to make a pet person from bits of body you may find if you ever happen to stumble over a grave with a shovel and a hunchback to dig for you.

Many scientists in his field laughed heartily and scoffed right up in his bearded face when he told them of his ideas, however he quickly pointed out that he knew something they didn’t – where scientists before him were happy trying to bring a cadaver back to life with a round head and clean necks, Victor knew that to truly create life, you needed to make the corpse out of many different grotesque parts and the key was making the head a big rectangle with staples in it and having bolts coming out of the sides of it’s neck (and torn trousers) then attaching the monstrosity to a giant kite and sailing it up into the clouds on a stormy evening until it reaches 88mph.

Too much work for one man. Or was it? You be the judge. Or not. Because before the doctor could even begin to start the process he needed an assistant, someone to dig up bodies and help pull big ol’ levers in the lab, someone witty, fresh and unassuming so as not to bring attention to the operation. That someone was the local hunchback, Igore (pronounced ‘eehgar’), who Frankingstein found after holding a competition to find the town peasant with the biggest difference in size between their left and right eye. Igore won with his left eye a staggering 250% larger than his right and his left a full 2 inches higher. He sadly lost 10 points because both arms were proportionate to each other; however he received a further 30 points for having the loudest wail when being viciously caned and 15 points for his mispronunciation of the word ‘master’. Igore was paid in punches to the face and fish heads for his victory.

So now team Frankingstein was almost complete, next they needed body parts to sew together, so it was Igore’s job to make his way to the cemetery each night and dig up the legs that he thought would look good in giant clumpy boots, the arms that would look good strangling doctors/women and a face like Gordon Ramsey’s. It was also the doctors wish that they use the brain of somebody who would moan and yelp at the site of fire so as to be able to herd his new pet pal around the castle using a match. You could say Igor had a ‘hunch’ that this plan might work, but if you did say that then you’re a prick.

Now they had gathered all the pieces and painted them green, sutured the chunks of meat together and made a big rectangle box to house the brain in, it was time to attach the beast to the giant kite and send him up on a perilous journey toward clouds above. The doctor and Igore both held tight to the ropes as they ran as fast as they could through the fields of Transylvania, trying to get enough speed for the kite to catch the wind. Suddenly the scoop fell from Igore’s ice-cream cone onto some birdshit which upset them both and they were about to go home but decided on one last shot. This time they managed to do it, sending the half rotting corpse majestically into the air! The doctor then grabbed onto both the ropes and steered his creation around so as to get as many lightning zaps into it as possible. Ominously, with one final zap from a bit of lightning, the creature opened its eyes. Dr. Frankingstein looked up in awe at what he had done and as he punched the air victoriously is shouted his catchphrase, “It is alive, it is alive, it is alive, it is alive, it is alive, it is alive, it is alive, it… is alive, it is alive, it is alive, it is alive, it is alive, it is alive!” As he did so the dynamic duo carefully pulled the doctors hideous creation back towards the castle where he was immediately shackled to a table for a crime he didn’t commit.

Frankingstein examined his ‘newborn’ and was extremely pleased with what he saw: a nice big green face, a rectangle shaped head, bolts in it’s big neck, ripped up trousers, big massive clumpy shoes, and a really large blazer with a black jumper underneath. This truly was the world’s most magnificent creature. The doctor looked lovingly into the creatures eyes and the creature looked back, almost as a child would towards it’s father, longingly and with a sense of fragility and comfort. The doctor knew they had a bond now, one that cannot be broken, it almost seemed like the creature knew this too for this creature was Adam and the doctor was his God… Victor then remembered something he had forgotten and as the creature looked at him with love he began to quickly spray deodorant and hairspray all over the creature’s feet before throwing a match at them and stood back as the feet were engulfed in flame! The creature screamed and wailed, which made the doctor smile with glee as he knew his method of herding the creature about with flames would surely work after this shock. However, the irony of this situation meant that although he lit the creatures feet to test it’s fear of fire for herding, it was this same fear that gave the creature the ‘spinach’ to rip through it’s own shackles and knock the doctor to the floor using his massively long blazered arm before jumping through a stained glass window into the river below. Victor and igore both looked out of the window at the rushing dark waters, “Shit.” thought the doctor, “Shit and balls.”